Hello, if someone out there is reading this, then that means that there is still hope. I do not have much time, so I am going to have to get straight to the point. Please, if you value your lives, STAY AWAY from Pony World. If you are not careful, SHE will get you.
Developer: Rhema Press
Publisher: Play sp. zo. o.
Release Date: April 27, 2015
Everything looked fine at first. It seemed like a perfectly normal, albeit low budget pony version of the Sims or even maybe Harvest Moon. I think my first hint was during character creation, where there were only two options for what the My Little Pony universe call “cutie marks.” In spite of the harmless sounding name, these two marks were anything but cute. Indeed, the two “cutie mark” options you could choose both looked more like some kind of occult branding than anything else. Looking back, it wasn’t even subtle, as you couldn’t even change the color. In spite of being able to change your coat and mane to all sorts of colors, those marks could only be black. Forever onward you were left with a big black marking on your rump, reminding you of your misguided optimism as you volunteered to become a part of this world.
Once passed the unsettling discovery about the cutie marks, I was placed into their world, and immediately I saw the potential for this place to be something wonderful. I started on my very own plot of land, where I could build a small variety of different houses, gardens, and decorations. Of course, it was not as in-depth as the Sims. I didn’t actually get to customize my house, but I was allowed to place it anywhere inside my allotted space. The same goes for all of the decorations.
At peace with my meagre home, and running low on the funds I needed to make it grow, I set off toward town, where I had hoped to find a job and maybe even meet some new ponies to befriend. The town itself looked quite nice, but something about the ponies inhabiting it seemed a bit…off.
I tried speaking to several of the village ponies, bringing up several topics ranging from money, to rumors, to simply giving them complements. Strangely, all of the ponies reacted the same way. They would simply look at me as I talked to them and stare with their blank, emotionless eyes. When I finished talking about any given subject, they’d simply respond with varying degrees of “I like you” or “I don’t like you.” A bit perturbed, I retreated from conversation and continued to look for work.
While nearly every shop in town had job openings, most of the managers in charge denied my application, saying things like “You are not a cook” or “You are not a cashier.”
“Of course not,” I thought, “Not until you hire me, anyway.” Finally, one of the stores in town decided I was cut out to be an office worker. By then my pockets were getting very light, so I was open to any job I could find, and I took it. It was a strange job. I didn’t even really do anything but wait until it was time to leave and receive my pay, which wasn’t much at all.
After a week of soul-crushing “office work,” I decided it was time to explore the area a little more. This was the one decision I regret most of all, because that was when I found out about her.
Little did I know, the Pony World was actually under the maniacal control of an evil unicorn named Epilesia. Several moments after leaving the city for the first time, I experienced severe pain as the ground itself begun to flash a bright white. Confused, and eager to escape the splitting headache that the flashing caused, I bolted to the nearest shelter I could find. That is when I met Epilesia, and that is when she captured me, and forced me to take part in one of her sick little games.
The worst part is, her games paid far more that my job in the office ever would, so I was forced to choose between having my soul defiled, my body broken, and starvation.
Anytime I tried to flee from the confines of the town or the games, Epilesia’s influence rendered me useless. The constant flashing of the ground began to slowly wreak havoc upon my psyche. In one area, she even managed to somehow change the laws of physics themselves, leaving me unable to access my bags or watch.
I truly felt the inevitability of defeat when I returned to my home, only to find that her influence had spread there as well. I could not get a night’s rest without feeling her presence.
As I mentioned earlier, everything seemed fine at first, though the budget was made abundantly clear. The other ponies and I actually looked pretty decent, having a cartoony look very reminiscent of the most recent version of My Little Pony. The environment also looked passable, until Epilesia wreaked havoc upon it, destroying the very textures of the world. Epilesia’s games, however, are another story. Each and every one of her games seemed to tear the very fabric of reality, distorting my own shape, size, and color in order to fit her sick desire. Even those that did not feature me directly were ugly and outdated, as if they got ripped out of a browser-based web game from the late 90s.
Story? That’s a laugh. The only stories in this world are those pulled by the strings of Epilesia herself. I tried to make it on my own at first, this being a world in which you presumably decide your own fate. All that got me was a blinding pain in my eyes and a one-way ticket to Epilesia’s maze.
If there was only one solace in this world, it is that Epilesia still hasn’t managed to do to the music what she did to the environment. At most, I think she cut it down to loop again and again after only half a minute or so. Still, the soothing music is just barely enough of a comfort to get me through another day in the office or in the gem mines.
The only thing I have to say about value is that if you value your sanity, you will stay away from the Pony World. $5 does not seem like much of a price for entering this seemingly peaceful place, but it is a lie.
There is not much else I can say about the land of Pony World 3. Just as well, because I fear I do not have much time left as it is. I fear Epilesia has discovered my plans to escape, so there may be no hope for me left. I am writing this is desperation, hoping against all hope that my words will save at least some otherwise unfortunate soul. It is such a shame, for such a promising venture as a My Little Pony-inspired sim game to go so horribly wrong.
+ Decent (though repetitive) music
+ Promising premise
+ Hilariously bad (so bad, it’s good)
– Incredibly buggy
– Broken textures that often “flash”
– Shallow socialization feature
– Limited character customization
– Limited home customization
– Very outdated and slow mini-games
– Poor Controls
Score: 1 /5